Ouroboros – Chapter 5: Repairing Histories

She woke up somewhere unfamiliar. “Where am I?” she asked aloud, to no one in particular. “More importantly, when am I?” She had the decency to not ask this aloud. Only as she checked her watch did she notice that she was holding something in her left hand. “What the Hell is this? Why can’t I remember what this… Oh yeah!” Her lack of memory reminded her. “The Oblivion Ray, right? Who did I shoot with this?” As she looked around, a sinking feeling settled in her gut. With no one else nearby, there was only one possible target. But what reason could she have for using it on herself? She had no idea, but decided that she trusted herself enough to know that it must have been a damn good one. If she re-learned whatever secret she was trying to keep from herself, she’d probably have to erase her memory for what she hoped would be only the second time. So she resolved not to repeat whatever mistakes she had made, even if she didn’t know what they were.

And so, her time travel adventures continued…

She traveled to 1912 to prevent the catastrophe of The Titanic. As is unfortunately common for a time traveler, she succeeded in her mission, only to set off an even greater disaster, (in this case, the acceleration of global warming, not to mention ruining the career of Leonardo DiCaprio) forcing her to go back once more and bring about the catastrophe she originally prevented.

She “accidentally” told the newspaper that Alfred Nobel was dead.

She went around in ancient times convincing everyone that it’d be pretty cool if there were giant magical flying lizards that breathed fire. She was right.

She made a few adjustments to the world’s first pineapple right-side up cake.

She climbed to the top of Olympus in Ancient Greece. Whatever she found there, she never spoke of.

While exploring an ancient church, she accidentally spilled some wine on a glass window, causing it to stain. It caught on.

She once broke into Fort Knox. She took nothing, and left only a note that said “Catch me if you can <3”, along with a jumble of letters that looked like a cypher, but was, in reality, just randomly typed.

She dabbled in a form of fencing that made use of laser swords, but couldn’t deny the satisfaction of swinging a blade of genuine steel. Unorthodox and ineffective as it was, she had a penchant for wielding a photon-blade in one hand, and an atom-blade (read: blade that is composed of atoms) in the other.

She volunteered to serve a few shifts on the patrol of Chrononauts who talks new time-travelers out of killing Hitler.

She embarked on a quest to save Joan d’Arc from burning at the stake.

She convinced Dr. Schrödinger to adopt a cat. She made sure his wife kept an eye on it, though.

She visited 16th century Japan, in an attempt to find out, once and for all, whether or not ninja really existed. She never found any, so results were inconclusive.

She misplaced a decimal point in a book reporting the iron content of spinach. Certain facets of cartoon history must be preserved.

She made sure Edison was remembered as the “Entrepreneur” he was, rather than the inventor he claimed to be.

She carved “CROATOAN” onto the tree in Roanoke, figuring it would clear up the mystery of the “lost colony”. Apparently, it did not.

She sailed the seas as one of the most fearsome pirates in history. Several, actually. She occasionally wore a different colored beard and switched which eye her eyepatch was on.

She convinced The Beatles to keep the typo in their name. Dropping the “Silver” from “The Silver Beatles” was a different time traveler’s idea.

She was the first person to ever slice bread, shortly after being the first person to ever say “yo, check this shit out.”

She was the first to put pineapple on a pizza. She knows not whether this makes her a hero or a villain.

She met one of the great composers of history, and began humming one of his most famous songs. When she realized that he hadn’t written it yet, she worried she’d started a time loop, but then she remembered that it was Beethoven.

She got an hourglass tattoo to distinguish herself from her clone. But she never worked up the courage to confront a stranger and ask “Hey, are you a clone of me?”

She taught James Madison how to diagram a goddamn sentence. The wording of some of the amendments changed, but unfortunately, everyone still interpreted The Constitution as saying exactly what they wanted it to say.

She stole all of Fermat’s scratch paper on the day he had his epiphany, just because she enjoyed a good mystery.

She ran around young Einstein’s home while pointing a flashlight in front of her, just on the off chance that she was his inspiration to invent relativity.

She worked as a magician’s assistant a few times, using her time travel powers to disappear for real. The magician’s surprise at her disappearance was so much more believable when it was genuine.

She thought she saw the Great Wall of China from space, once. It turned out that it was just a speck of dust on her camera.

She went back to the “Good Ol’ Days,” when everyone was nice to each other and “Kids These Days” hadn’t ruined everything. At least, she looked for it, but it proved to be exactly as difficult to find as she anticipated.

For the next chapter in the recommended order, click here

For the next chapter in “chronological” order, click here


Author: havocmantis

I am Havoc Mantis, Skullmaster (like a headmaster but spookier) of The School of Havoc. I am a scholar of mathematics, mysticism, and memes, as well as the intersection of all three.

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