Ouroboros – Chapter 3: She Dances with The Dead

It goes without saying that she did the same thing anyone would do upon suddenly gaining the ability to travel through time: She went on adventures.

 
For her first adventure, she went back in time to see what dinosaurs really looked like (kick-ass). For her second adventure, she went to a future hospital to treat a condition that she called “Dinosaur Flu”.

 
She traveled to 79 AD to try to prevent the catastrophe at Pompeii. As is unfortunately common for a time traveler, she may have inadvertently caused the disaster that she sought to undo.

 

She went back in time to kill Hitler. As it turns out, all time travelers go back in time to kill Hitler.

 
After Benjamin Franklin flew his famous kite through a thunderstorm, she came up with a series of increasingly stupid and dangerous dares for him to see when he’d put his own safety before his curiosity. He didn’t.

 
She convinced Alexander Hamilton and Évariste Galois to not throw their lives away in duels. In a spectacular coincidence, they killed each other in a duel years later.

 
She played a part in the assassination of a US President. No, she won’t say which one.

 
She managed to convince Newton of the importance of his scientific work over his mysticism, and that, seriously, there are only 6 colors. Indigo is just another name for blue.

 
She occasionally used the science of other eras to better the present. But she never pilfered from the future; she only recovered the secrets of the past.

 
She attended the first Thanksgiving dinner, bringing plenty of donuts for everyone. They caught on as tradition, which she considered to be her greatest contribution to history.

 
She commissioned a clone of herself, to see if it would have her time-travel capabilities. Unfortunately, it proved to be too faithful a recreation, and was clever enough to escape.

 

She never did test her hypothesis, and it caused her to wonder every time she met a version of herself that she had no memory of.

 
She assassinated a lesser known dictator who was less well-guarded by time-travelers.

 
She may have accidentally inspired the invention of the corset.

 
She bought a black-market Oblivion Ray to cover up some of her more daring escapades in the past. She could never remember how well it worked.

 
She gave Jack the Ripper a fitting end. His name wasn’t even Jack.

 
She noticed a gravestone near the site of her home in the future. In the interest of avoiding spoilers, she decided to leave it be.

 
She helped free some slaves in the pre-Civil War South. It seemed that southern gentlemen were much more willing to listen to what a woman of color had to say if she was holding a plasma cannon.

 
She nailed five extra theses, “Stop being assholes”, “Hey, remember when Jesus said be nice to people? Maybe you should actually do that”, “Women are people too”, “They’re actually better than men in a lot of cases”, and “Seriously, can it with the whole ‘being assholes’ thing”, to the church door after Martin Luther. It bothered her that it fell just short of 100.

 
She met Shakespeare with hopes of being his “dark lady”, but she was far from the only time traveler vying to be his muse.

 
She worked as a Vice President for a big tech corporation in a time of unparalleled industrial growth. This was, of course, between all of her time traveling shenanigans.

 
She witnessed the controlled demolition of The Old Internet. She paid close attention to make sure all her poetry from middle school was completely destroyed.

 
She figured every continent should have at least one animal as ridiculous and unbelievable as the platypus. She didn’t understand a lot about genetics, but had plenty of time for trial and error.

 
She used her power to win the lottery, but just once. Even then, she gave all her winnings to charity. Well, most of them, at any rate. Plasma cannons aren’t exactly cheap, especially when you insist on an auto-aim upgrade and a toy laser gun sound effect when it fires.

 
She got her hands on future technology that allowed her to halt aging and alter her appearance. She convinced herself that this was not for vanity purposes, but to ensure that her antics didn’t cause her to appear to age differently from her friends.

 
She took a bullet meant for Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Well, technically, it was her Personal Kinetic Barrier that took the bullet, but that doesn’t sound quite as noble.
She gave a hug to the first robot capable of love.

 
She convinced everyone at The Battle of New Orleans to chill the Hell out.

 
Her boyfriend, the one she had when she first learned how to time travel, proposed to her. Unlike the woman who taught her time travel, she accepted.

 
She went forward to the point in history when people stop being awful to each other all the time. At least, she looked for it, but it proved more difficult to find than she anticipated.


For the next chapter in the recommended order, click here

For the next chapter in “chronological” order, click here

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Author: havocmantis

I am Havoc Mantis, Skullmaster (like a headmaster but spookier) of The School of Havoc. I am a scholar of mathematics, mysticism, and memes, as well as the intersection of all three.

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